Ted Haggard Is Completely Heterosexual

by: Roy Zimmerman

"Ted Haggard Is Completely Heterosexual" by Roy Zimmerman

Lyrics

Ted Haggard is completely Heterosexual
Ted Haggard is completely Heterosexual
Ted Haggard is completely Heterosexual
Glory how-he-blew-ya.

Once there was a preacher by the name of Ted Haggard
Who stumbled from the path
Or you might even say staggered
He was one in a million
Or more aptly one-in-ten
Some folks say he put the “men” in “Amen”

He preached the gospel message
Of intolerance and self-loathing
He traveled on his wayward way betraying his betrothing
He was the sole of piety and no one doubted him
Until he hired a gigolo and used a pseudonym

So he humbly went to counseling and then
Three weeks later he’s born again….again!

Because…
Ted Haggard is completely Heterosexual
Ted Haggard is completely Heterosexual
Ted Haggard is completely Heterosexual
Glory how-he-blew-ya.

He telephoned the White House for a weekly consultation
Saying “Here’s what Jesus thinks about all the pending legislation”
And marriage is a covenant between a man and wife
And homosexuals will fry forever in the afterlife.

He did some other things he’d later disavow.
But he’s putting all behind him now

What does Leviticus have to say
Yeah, what does it say, about being gay?
“To lie with man is an abomination”
Like cursing your parents, trimming your beard, planting wheat and barley in the same furrow, eating pork, wearing polyester, and masturbation

And what did Jesus have to say
Yeah, what did he say, about being gay?
Well, nothing

Well Ted’s a little haggard but he’s thankful for the schism
(You’re right, but wait for it)
And you might find it hard to swallow the syllogism
That even evil-doers have a reason to rejoice
Because they can simply make a better lifestyle choice

So if you’re a gay teenager,
Probably Jesus doesn’t love you
Because he knows Ted Haggard doesn’t think a whole lot of you
So don’t embrace the way god made you
Here’s what you should do:
Choose to be a hetero and 7 foot 2.

Because…

Chorus
Ted Haggard is completely Heterosexual
Ted Haggard is completely Heterosexual
Ted Haggard is completely Heterosexual
Glory how-he-blew…
I mean Glory hole-e…
I mean Glory halle-lube ya

Now Ted would like you all to know the story has a moral
That of all the televangelists his favorite is oral

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