Jerry Falwell’s God

by: Roy Zimmerman

"Jerry Falwell's God" by Roy Zimmerman


Jerry Falwell’s god was standing by the elevator while we were talking about the party, so we had to invite him.

Secretly, we were wishing that he wouldn’t come, because he’s vengeful and jealous and he tends to smite people.

Of course, he knew we were thinking that, made him all the more determined to show up and punish us.

I wanted to invite my god, but he was at the beach.

Jerry Falwell’s god is everywhere… the robe and the beard down to here, and the gossamer wings, and the button that says, “What would Jesus do?”

And sure enough, day of the party, there he was at the door.

And he spoke, spaketh he, saying, “I AM COME.”

And I knew there was a joke there… but Jerry Falwell’s god will not be mocked.

So I said, you know, “Come in.”

Jerry Falwell’s god
Jerry Falwell’s god

Now, I’m no heavenly host, but I throw a decent party, and there were all kinds of people there — black, white, Swedish, Norwegian, the entire human spectrum.

And right away, Jerry Falwell’s god found the two people who would listen to him and began spaking in a voice so loud, that a guy from the bowling alley came over and asked us if we’d keep it down.

And he turned the loaves to fishes, and the Oreos to Hydrox.

And he made the lame to walk.

And these were my friends, so they were still lame, but they could walk.

And he divided up the room, divided he, saying “Gays here, lesbians here, feminists, pagans, abortionists, People for the American Way,” and frankly, some of us did not know where to stand.

I went with the lesbians.

Jerry Falwell’s god
Jerry Falwell’s god

And he pointed his huge finger at each group in turn, saying, “I blame you, and you, and you, who have secularized society and cast me out of the town square,” and I thought, “Man you are the town square.”

He said, “Lo, the end days are here, and the judgment is nigh, where I will draw the faithful to heaven and leave the unrepentant to walk a desolate earth.” I know…strict.

And it began to rained toads, and spit fire, and he brought forth seven bowls of seven plagues, and finally I just said, “Listen, I’ll tell you one thing Jesus would not do.

Jesus would not wreck a guy’s party.

And Jesus would not preach hate.

Jesus would not stand in the rubble and say, ‘I told you so.’

Jesus would not use an international catastrophe to score points for some narrow, misogynistic, anti-Semitic, homophobic, interpretation of his life and teaching.

And if people are vengeful and jealous and violent, maybe it’s because you created him in your image.

And if people have cast you out of the town square, maybe it’s because you are a finger-pointing, moralizing, rageaholic, stone drag who gives deities a bad name!

And if people have turned away from your word, maybe it’s because you got spinach in your teeth!”

And he smote me.

Jerry Falwell’s god
Jerry Falwell’s god

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