Short-Term Mating Dance

by: Baba Brinkman

Short-Term Mating Dance – Baba Brinkman

Lyrics

Assembling in these dense colonies
Provides the social stimulation
That is the key to coordinating their breeding

Tonight’s documentary presentation
Will explore the short-term mating behaviour
Of one of the most remarkable creatures in all creation
The Homo sapien

Homo sapiens, also known as “humans”
Generally mate in pairs, creating the illusion
Of a monogamous constitution
But the truth is slightly more elusive

As is often the case as evolution advances
The preferred strategy depends on circumstances
And scientists, seeking answers
Look to these elaborate courtship dances

Males and females congregate
In large colonies to display their traits
They often fail to find long-term mates
But so much flesh will not go to waste

And it’s now that the advantages
Of breeding in such dense colonies become clear
We’ve got a short-term mating dance
Up in here, up in here, up in here
They’ve come to breed
We’ve got a short-term mating dance
Up in here, up in here, up in here

A male and female engage in courtship
They appear normal but
Their nervous systems are flooding with endorphins
A solitary male observes with caution

Although the proximity of their conversations
Is physically close enough for copulation
The female is notoriously patient
She’s testing the male for signs of frustration

Note the sexual dimorphism
The enlarged male form is invariably caused
By competition for female attention
Charles Darwin called this “sexual selection”

But the females also compete
For male parental investment
For this species, like no other
Has a grotesquely prolonged adolescence

And it’s now that the advantages
Of breeding in such dense colonies become clear
We’ve got a short-term mating dance
Up in here, up in here, up in here
Females can make their choice from many males
While successful males can have access
To lots of females

The mating instincts are taking hold
For short-term mating, males prefer queues of fertility
Such as facial symmetry, youth, and a low waist to hip ratio

Females prefer queues of genetic fitness
Such as dominance, and competitions
Creative intelligence with linguistics
Physical symmetry, and social presence

The solitary male is beginning to stir
Perhaps he’s observed an opportunity
As social primates the females prefer forms of competition
Where no one is hurt

Rhythmic movements display the male’s symmetry, or lack thereof
The female ability to appraise males genetically
Based on their movements reveals an uncanny sensitivity

The solitary male is attempting to lure one of the females
But he seems rather unsure of where to focus his attention
So his prospects appear to be poor

In the two courting pairs note the correlation
Between the male and the female hair
Long hair, especially when “dredded”
Is often decidedly unhygienic
Hence in such conspicuous displays
It serves as a costly signal of conscientiousness
Ahhh…and of course the pony-tail
Which signals a high investing non-alpha male

The solitary male is unsuccessful and retreats
Perhaps to the restroom, however further opportunities await
Especially if he displays on a stage

Studies of human mating preference reveal
A measurable relaxing of standards as the night goes on
Which scientists refer to as the “Closing Time” phenomenon

But scientific study of Homo Sapiens is relatively recent
So we can only speculate on the reasons for much
Of their extraordinary behavior

And it’s now that the advantages
Of breeding in such dense colonies become clear
We’ve got a short-term mating dance
Up in here, up in here, up in here
They’ve come to breed
We’ve got a short-term mating dance
Up in here, up in here, up in here

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